What do you really want

What do you really want

I haven’t had this issue in a while. I usually have it when I’m stressed. It takes a lot out of me. It makes me weak. It’s scary. I don’t always tell my husband. I don’t want it to keep me from having kids. I don’t want to go to the doctor. I just want it to go away and never return.

This is why I stay away from people and their drama. I don’t handle it well. 

This is why I stay away from him. My father. It makes me crazy. 

This is why I do art, music, dance… it takes my mind away from the crazy shit in my life. 

I don’t want to die. –RealityOfAPreachersDaughter

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The Story Is Mine 

The Story Is Mine 

Everyone has a story. When that person transitions to another life, that story sometimes dies. Sometimes other people tell that story… which is why I’m determined to tell my own story. The most of my thoughts are unknown unless I choose to tell them. My “WHY” for doing what I do is only known if I let it be.

So instead of having someone else tell my story when I die, or while I’m alive, I choose to tell it myself. 

I’ve been watching documentaries lately, and many of them were done after the person moved on. Sometimes I think about the genius thoughts they kept to themselves. The personal struggles that no one knew of. There’s always more. –RealityOfAPreachersDaughter 

Bad Attention

Bad Attention

I wanted attention from him, but the kind I got wasn’t what I wanted. I needed him to be my father. To love me like he loved the other little pretty girls. 

I wondered why he didn’t care for me very much. Was it because I didn’t look like him? Was it because I was a girl? Was it because he resented my mother?  Was it because he thought I wasn’t his daughter?

I don’t know, but I could never allow my children to be treated like he treated us. Maybe that’s why I still don’t have any. –RealityOfAPreachersDaughter

Hard love 

Hard love 

2:00am They just left… Some people got cussed out by me today. Some people don’t understand when someone talks to them  softly and I don’t know how to do that when people keep doing the same shit over and over and are expecting different results. 

I’m not the most knowledgable person, but I have been through some shit, so I don’t take what I tell you lightly. I want the best for these  people, so I won’t tell them to do anything out the way, just do better! One or 2 steps at a time. Quit doing dumb shit and better things will come!

I don’t feel bad for going off like I did because when you bring bull shit to my house, you should expect to be cussed out in love. Thank you and goodnight. –RealityOfAPreachersDaughter

No Other Option

No Other Option

Ever had one of those days you just wanted to break down and cry. Someone asked you how you were doing and you have to change the subject as fast as possible so you could keep from crying… I cant take it. Not at the moment. I’m at work and feeling emotional. It’s a little overwhelming, but I have no choice but to take it. What other option is there?

God When is my change coming. I’m really trying to stay focused and not get stressed out. But life is stressing me the hell out right now. No one knows… and I don’t really want to talk to anyone about it because they will judge my life.

I don’t have anyone to talk to. I don’t have mentors well real ones because they don’t know me, Daymond John and Eric Thomas. My parents are unavailable.

Diss FunK Shun

Diss FunK Shun

Diss- Bout in tears. I see family members, second cousins, posting pics of my grandfather, cousins, aunts and other family members I’ve never met. Unless you’ve experienced it, you wouldn’t know how it is to feel like an outcast of your own. Same blood running through my veins. The same history. I don’t get people interested in getting to know “the granddaughter” of the man whose first born came into this world a few months after he got married.

Funk- It’s not my fault. I didn’t have anything to do with that! I just want to know my family. NO, I wasn’t raised in privilege. NO, I didn’t graduate from college. NO, I haven’t travelled the world. I don’t have an extremely successful business yet. BUT, I’m making it on my own. And I will be great on my OWN, because I don’t have a choice. I bought my first car, never ask anyone for anything. No one around me has anything I need anyway.

Shun- My own mother doesn’t even follow my facebook. She can’t see anything I post, why is she even my friend on there. Why am I a problem? What is it about me that people run away from? I really don’t get it and I don’t want to do anymore crying. I’ve cried my damn eyes out since I started writing  last year. (you will see why when you read my book).

I try not to care about what people think of me, but I can’t help it sometimes. This shit really hurts. I have the strangest feeling that when I make it, people will blow my phone up and try to break down my door to get to me then. It will be fake though. I’m a genuine person and that won’t be. I may cater to it for a little while to see what  it feels like being loved, appreciated and wanted.

I’ve been DISSed because of a FUNK that I didn’t have anything to do with… Now I’m completely shunned. DAMMNIT WHY??? What if you were in my shoes? How would you want to be treated. Even the woman I’ve lived for, supported, trusted, followed, respected, Loved unconditionally, and worked so hard to make something of myself to buy her whatever she wanted is avoiding me.

I must be some type of fucked up person to deserve this shit. I will never treat anyone like this. I vow to be MYSELF to Change the World. Someone wants me. I guess I just haven’t met them yet. I’m proud of myself. I’m a pretty strong ass person not to have given up already. I just keep pulling myself right along until my change comes, because its coming.