With tears rolling down my face I write this. I hate feeling like this. I felt like this for so long and suppressed it all. Now it resurfaces. When things are taking a turn.
Really I stay positive. Im happy that I’m free. But there’s still that part of me that wants love. Love without all the bullshit. Love of someone not just because they think I’m pretty, but someone in love with me.
I want to point blame, I want to just cry it out. But I’m trying to stay positive. This is my last day in Texas, been here for 3 weeks and I’m ready to go, but hesitant. Just not sure how life will play out and that can be hard.
The only thing I can do is claim true love and happiness and greatness and money. -RealityOfAPreachersDaughter
My time in Texas is coming to an end. I have Monday and Tuesday left. It’s been a good eye opening trip. Been here since Dec. 18th.
I got a chance to get outside of my normal routine to change it up. See my life from a different perspective. I’ve grown in these three weeks. I’ve read and absorbed and rejected unnecessary things. I’m better and stronger than I was when I first got here. I know what I want and I’m gonna get it. –RealityOfAPreachersDaughter
With so much going through my head, I say less. I try to stay away from people even though I’m right in front of everyone. I hide in plain sight. People can’t know my feelings. Can’t know my thoughts. Can’t see my pain. I’m strong enough to hide it and keep it hidden until I deal with it. Until it’s passed.
It’s always been that way, that’s why the closest people to me have never known anything I’ve experienced. -RealityOfAPreachersDaughter
The time went back this week.
But I’m wondering if I should fall back from people. I wonder if people are tired of me. Tired of looking at my photos of my painted self. Or all the motivational videos I post, or music because I’m trying to keep myself in line and possibly help someone.
Tired of me talking on my podcast about my fucked up day or how lit I got. Tired of my conversations. People say they won’t tire of you, and maybe I should go with that. Believe them. But how? I don’t trust people easy cuz I’ve been hurt a million times. I laid my heart out for it to be misused and I put it in a safe place. Apparently not safe enough, because I’m still loving people. SHIT! -RealityOfAPreachersDaughter
When you want something bad enough, you’ll start doing what other people would call “stupid shit”.
I guess I’ll take “stupid shit” over “died with nothing” any day. -RealityOfAPreachersDaughter
So much has happened. So much going on. So many fuckin thoughts so many damn dreams. So much more control. So much more creativity. See So much more clearly. So much more scary. So much more vocal. So much more visual. So much more available. So much less available. So much more valuable. So much more aware. So much weight loss. So much more caring, yet I care so much less. Damn so much. -RealityOfAPreachersDaughter
Over the past couple months. I’ve completely redirected my energy. I changed my life. For YEARS I’ve focused my attention on everyone else. What do they need? What do they like? What do they want? What do I have to give them?
My thoughts are in a whole other place right now. Not that I don’t want to do for people. But from now on… self first. Without self, how the hell can I help anyone else. If folk don’t understand… 🤷🏽♀️ -RealityOfAPreachersDaughter