Go in the trash damnit!

Go in the trash damnit!

Like I’m tossing some shit in the trash can and miss, pick it up, miss, pick it up again, miss. SHIT!!! I feel like I’m aiming right but I’m going around, over, or coming short of the goal.  

All I want to do is fucking throw it away.

Throw away all the fuckery that keeps me down, holds me back, makes me sick, breaks me out, makes me depressed, has me overwhelmed and stressed the fuck out. -RealityOfAPreachersDaughter

Dear Life

Dear Life

Dear Life,I thought you’d be more kind, more loving, more giving. I’ve given my health, my money, my energy, my smiles, my comfort, my time, my creativity. I’ve tried to give you the best part of me, but that got me here, at a crossroad. 

 I think I’ve been here before. Maybe I’ve been here for years and never left. Maybe when I got here I set up camp and chose to stay. Afraid of choosing the left or right. The red or blue. Both so extreme. Both so different. Both me. One safe and predictable. The other risky and unforeseeable, but intriguing. 

I’ve already chosen. I chose my destiny a long time ago. Even when my parents drilled their ideals, I’ve always had my own. 

So Life, now that you’ve awakened the dragon inside and I realized the shit I’m go through is just part of the ride, let’s do this shit. -RealityOfAPreachersDaughter

What do you really want

What do you really want

I haven’t had this issue in a while. I usually have it when I’m stressed. It takes a lot out of me. It makes me weak. It’s scary. I don’t always tell my husband. I don’t want it to keep me from having kids. I don’t want to go to the doctor. I just want it to go away and never return.

This is why I stay away from people and their drama. I don’t handle it well. 

This is why I stay away from him. My father. It makes me crazy. 

This is why I do art, music, dance… it takes my mind away from the crazy shit in my life. 

I don’t want to die. –RealityOfAPreachersDaughter

Why would I almost cry

Why would I almost cry

I never think about my early childhood. 3,4,5. Those were the years I remember bits and pieces.  My brothers Godsister tagged me in a video of a little girl counting. It was too adorable. She told me  this little girl reminded her of when I was little. She said I was cute ☺️. I was almost in tears. Why?

I rarely, if ever, hear about when I was little. I didn’t grow up with family or friends so no one was there to see me. Only my mom. 

For someone to remember when I was little and tell me I had a “Minnie Mouse” voice and her and her sister always wanted to play with me and pick me up… I almost teared up…

Is that sad? -RealityOfAPreachersDaughter

But I cant… this is too much 

But I cant… this is too much 

I don’t want to be outsider, but I can’t help it. There’s only so much a person can take and I’m working within my limits whether anyone likes it or not. 

He’s been calling.

My family has arrived. I’m a little nervous about going around because I know my father has talked about me. Why do I care about what he’s said about me so damn much ?!?!

 My aunt’s not doing well at all. She’s on life support.  Its devistating. It was so unexpected. This would be the closest death I’ve ever experienced. They’re having meetings about pulling the plug. 

The first day we went up to the hospital and met the a couple family members up there. They’re the closest to her. I could tell they were trying to keep it together. She had several major complications while I sat in the waiting room with my cousin, brother and husband. After hours of waiting, I was finally able to see her, and I broke down. I couldn’t hold it. She’s was the closest aunt I’ve had. 

I told her I loved her and that she had a great neice waiting to meet her. Then I broke down again and left. 

That was Wednesday. Today is Friday. 

Yesterday I needed some air and had a friend come be with me for the day. She helped a lot. We went for Starbucks and Duck Donuts. Went to pick up one of my art pieces, went to the park to talk and used some of the workout equipment outside. That was fun. Was going to pick up snacks and made a detour to my favorite plant nursery. There’s something about a garden that can take your energy to a different place if you allow it. Then we got food and went to my house to watch 2 Broke Girls. 

My body is still going nuts and I’ve broken out in hives and my stomach is acting crazy, so I know I have to stay calm… my health is important too. -RealityOfAPreachersDaughter