Dear Life

Dear Life

Dear Life,I thought you’d be more kind, more loving, more giving. I’ve given my health, my money, my energy, my smiles, my comfort, my time, my creativity. I’ve tried to give you the best part of me, but that got me here, at a crossroad. 

 I think I’ve been here before. Maybe I’ve been here for years and never left. Maybe when I got here I set up camp and chose to stay. Afraid of choosing the left or right. The red or blue. Both so extreme. Both so different. Both me. One safe and predictable. The other risky and unforeseeable, but intriguing. 

I’ve already chosen. I chose my destiny a long time ago. Even when my parents drilled their ideals, I’ve always had my own. 

So Life, now that you’ve awakened the dragon inside and I realized the shit I’m go through is just part of the ride, let’s do this shit. -RealityOfAPreachersDaughter

He’s the Eulogist 

He’s the Eulogist 

The funeral starts at eleven. He’s the eulogist. I hope he doesn’t start crying because it probably won’t be real. I feel like he should’ve left this alone. Let someone else do it. Maybe I’m wrong. I’m probably right. 

My dad was close to my aunt I guess, but there were others that were closer. They are family and they weren’t even acknowledged. That makes me mad. He always has to make a scene. He’s selfish and manipulative even now. 

It’s crazy how death can bring people together and push people further apart. I was able to see my grandparents who I cherish, but I realize that my father and I may never have what I always dreamed of. –RealityOfAPreachersDaughter 

Was having a good Morning until…

Was having a good Morning until…

He called Got damnit. I don’t have the time, energy or patience to deal with his fuckery. I’ve tried to many times with him and I can’t right now. I don’t want to. He stresses me the fuck out. He’s not a father he’s a leach that sucks you dry from life until you can’t even function. 

I haven’t listened to the voicemail yet. I don’t even know how the fuck he got my damn number. My siblings said they didn’t give it to him.  Who the hell did???? Nobody has my number! 

This is some bullshit. I better write and create some art before I let this consume me today. Look ignorant ass people… don’t give out people’s numbers without their consent got damnit! -RealityOfAPreachersDaughter

Silence is not golden

Silence is not golden

Yep you’ve heard that silence is golden. No it’s not. Too many times I’ve seen people keep their mouth shut and what happened. Not a Damn Thing. So why the hell do we talk about silence is golden. 

I could keep my mouth shut about my life and deal with it internally and regret not expressing my feelings earlier. Some of us handle things differently than others. Accept it. 

It’s been 2 years since I started this blog and have yet to finish the book because of the potential consequences. But everything has consequences. You just need to figure out which consequences you want to deal with.       -RealityOfAPreachersDaughter

B.O.N. ?

B.O.N. ?

Sometimes it’s hard as shit to write, but I know it’s what I have to do. Not only for myself, but for other people who are stuck in a life they despise. It’s hard to face the truth about yourself and share it with the world, or in my case, the couple people who follow my ass. 

Over all, In the past 8 years, I let myself go. I completely lost who I was and became who I felt others would be comfortable with. I’d rather be that neutral, “she’s nice” girl than the one that’s most loved/most hated. 

But even being the “nice and neutral” girl, people still don’t like my ass and I’m miserable. There’s other people out there too hiding so they can fit in too. 

When I was a kid, I didn’t fit in and didn’t give a damn. Something happened in my life that changed everything. Made me become a hermit and boring. What was it?  -RealityOfAPreachersDaughter

Suicidal?

Suicidal?

Suicide. It’s something I’ve thought about in the past. No one knew. I keep a smile. I stay strong for everyone. I let everyone see the strong girl who’s been though hell. I’ve kept what I’ve been though to myself. Why should I say anything? Who cares? I see how the world works. I see how there are more takers than givers. People act like they are slow sometimes and purposely overlook the obvious.

Sitting here asking God to please help me not to cry.

Am I this horrible of a person? Why don’t I get any support? Does anyone think about me? Does my mom think about me? Does my dad?  Yeah Right

Too late… Crying at work..

It can only get better right?