Tag: Preacher’s daughter

Constant thought

Constant thought

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I’m always thinking. And that’s not always good cuz I allow my thoughts to collide with fear… then overthinking and worry happens.

At that moment… that very damn moment… The moment of worry, snap your mind out of it and into subjection of your true desires. What you really want in life. DO NOT THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU DO NOT WANT. Focus on your desires and your happiness.

Let go of everything and everyone who brings disharmony to your well being. They aren’t meant to be there. So it’s ok to let go. Throw them got damn shoes away that you just have because of how they use to look on you. That person who talks shit to you all the time and just wants to use you… walk THEEEEE FUCK AWAY IMMEDIATELY. No time to play games with fake ass, mediocre, sometimey, fickle people. –RealityOfAPreachersDaughter

Worst enemy

Worst enemy

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He became my enemy with his words and actions. I don’t want it to be this way, but that’s what he wants.

Why my worst enemy though? Because he’s my father. I wanted him to want to be around me as much as I wanted to be around him. I wanted him to take up for me, have my back… not say I’m a bitch like my mother… This is why we can’t talk. -RealityOfAPreachersDaughter

Don’t know what’s wrong

Don’t know what’s wrong

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All of a sudden I start feeling weird and I don’t know why. I’m overwhelmed with thoughts of my friends parents who are no longer living, or who are very sick.

I have both of my parents, but I only talk to one. My father ruins my life when he’s in it. So I can’t let him in.

I started reliving one instance. My mom was pregnant with my little brother and my I remember him fighting her.

Why am I seeing this again

I was nine. My other brother was 5.

I didn’t know what to do…. -RealityOfAPreachersDaughter

Hell of a year

Hell of a year

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It’s been a hell of a year…

So much shit happened it’s hard to keep up. I feel like I was trying to stay on the right track. With the death of my aunt in the first half of the year and the death of my grandfather at the holidays… My emotions were all over the place.

I want to take charge and make this year a year I can really be proud of. I need to write more in this journal, because it always makes me feel better especially since it’s no one knows who I am. I can say wtf I feel.

I know it’s not easy being you (reader), but it’s not easy being me. My mom is a devout Christian who wants all four of her kids to be holy rollers and my father is a pastor of a church. Me… I’m the rebel, who got lost in being who everyone wanted me to be and decided to find my got damn self again.

C.T. Fletcher is a great inspiration to me. His father was similar my father… a pastor and abusive. Now he’s an international hero and mentor to so many being exactly who he is. -RealityOfAPreachersDaughter

It’s getting scary

It’s getting scary

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It’s really getting scary these days. I’m looking at a lot people around me experience their parents pass away. Their children are going to grow up without living grandparents. The ones who’s parents haven’t passed, they have illnesses. It’s so sad. 

I’ve felt that the only way I can talk to my father is after he reads my book. I feel really strongly about that. It’s just hard as hell to write it. When I write about my life, I relive EVERY detail. It takes me to a dark place. I feel like I have to stay away from everyone. I don’t want to bring anyone into my black hole. It’s damn near depression. 

BUT…      If something happened to him, and I didn’t finish this book for him to at least attempt to read it… no words…

I have to finish it. With no money and no encouragement. Just the one last hope of my father knowing how I really feel. -RealityOfAPreachersDaughter

Twinkle Toes

Twinkle Toes

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I love to dance. I’ve been dancing since I was in 5th grade when I saw some girls dancing outside at school. It was play time, and I was the new kid. I never realized this new school was the beginning of a new life. So I went home and practiced. I practiced everyday with my little radio turned down really low so my mom wouldn’t here Power 98 and all their “unholy” music. 

I was loving all these sounds that didn’t sound the same. It wasn’t “church music”. How could all this music be corrupting me? I just feel like I’ve discovered something great. People being free to write what they felt to a melody without organs and a choir director… and it made me want to dance, so I did! -RealityOfAPreachersDaughter