He’s engagaed… AGAIN

He’s engagaed… AGAIN

He’s engagaed… AGAIN. This is not the first, second, or third time. 

Maybe this time it’ll work out. Maybe this is the woman he’s been waiting for all his life. Maybe he’s finally ready to settle down and be a husband. Not a father, but maybe a husband. 

Ooooorrrrr, since he just became pastor of a church 😐, maybe he needs her to be his slave like my mom was. 

But what’s going through her head? Why is she willing to say yes to this man who has no relationship with his children? I’m sure he’s lied to her too, but the type of person I am, I need background info. I guess she just doesn’t give a fuck, she about to be a “Preacher’s Wife” -RealityOfAPreachersDaughter

Thinkin about him… 

Thinkin about him… 

Yea I said it. I’ve been thinking about him lately. I wish our relationship would work out, but it takes two. I’ve been through too much shit with him to just let him in. Nah I don’t want to talk to him. Nah I don’t want to write him. I’ll just think about some good times and try not allow them to lead to bad ones… but they normally do. The good times never lasted. It always went from good to bad, sometimes before we left the damn driveway. -RealityOfAPreachersDaughter

He’s the Eulogist 

He’s the Eulogist 

The funeral starts at eleven. He’s the eulogist. I hope he doesn’t start crying because it probably won’t be real. I feel like he should’ve left this alone. Let someone else do it. Maybe I’m wrong. I’m probably right. 

My dad was close to my aunt I guess, but there were others that were closer. They are family and they weren’t even acknowledged. That makes me mad. He always has to make a scene. He’s selfish and manipulative even now. 

It’s crazy how death can bring people together and push people further apart. I was able to see my grandparents who I cherish, but I realize that my father and I may never have what I always dreamed of. –RealityOfAPreachersDaughter 

I’m not ready for RIP

I’m not ready for RIP

I’m not sure I can let my aunt go… I’m feeling like she wanted to be around a little longer. I’m feeling like she didn’t get a fair shot. I’m feeling like people gave up way too damn soon. I’m feeling like we shoulda played one more game of scrabble. I’m feeling like we shoulda went bowling one more time. I’m feeling like we shoulda had one more cookout. I’m feeling like I shoulda braided her hair one more time. 

I really can’t explain how I feel because I’m feeling every emotion. Like the umami of emotions in a negative way. 

I have a lot on my mind, and a lot more I could say, but I’d rather feel the breeze in my hair and the sun on my face than to be with family right now. It’s safer that way. -RealityOfAPreachersDaughter

Silence is not golden

Silence is not golden

Yep you’ve heard that silence is golden. No it’s not. Too many times I’ve seen people keep their mouth shut and what happened. Not a Damn Thing. So why the hell do we talk about silence is golden. 

I could keep my mouth shut about my life and deal with it internally and regret not expressing my feelings earlier. Some of us handle things differently than others. Accept it. 

It’s been 2 years since I started this blog and have yet to finish the book because of the potential consequences. But everything has consequences. You just need to figure out which consequences you want to deal with.       -RealityOfAPreachersDaughter

WHY Won’t I Finish It

WHY Won’t I Finish It

I’ve been thinking about finishing this book waaaayyyy to much lately. It won’t go away. Out of nowhere, I’ll think about something that’s happened with all the details. Feeling those extreme emotions again. It makes me so damn emotional. When I get in my feelings, I function differently. I had to warn my husband that I started writing again so he will know what’s going on with me.

I’ve written some, but I’m scared to feel that vulnerable again. I feel like I have to steer clear of everyone when I start writing so I won’t make anyone uncomfortable, but maybe this time will be different.

I started writing this damn book in 2015, so it’s been 2 years about the amount of time that’s passed since I last spoke to him. There’s so much he doesn’t know about me. He doesn’t even  know who I am. This book would be the only way he would know more of who I really am, rather than the daughter he made up in his head. But that’s not the only reason.

Damnit this book!!!! Shit!!

-RealityOfAPreachersDaughter