1,000,000 Thoughts

1,000,000 Thoughts

More deaths. Another sick. Job lost. Another deadbeat father. Bills due. Business expenses. I need to make money. Hate groups rising. Rent will be due again soon. Trump. This book needs to be finished. My brain is tired. Facebook posts of sadness, deaths, anger and cruelty… Food. A recipe with meat in it… I’ll pass.

Shit. My mind needs a break. -RealityOfAPreachersDaughter

He’s the Eulogist 

He’s the Eulogist 

The funeral starts at eleven. He’s the eulogist. I hope he doesn’t start crying because it probably won’t be real. I feel like he should’ve left this alone. Let someone else do it. Maybe I’m wrong. I’m probably right. 

My dad was close to my aunt I guess, but there were others that were closer. They are family and they weren’t even acknowledged. That makes me mad. He always has to make a scene. He’s selfish and manipulative even now. 

It’s crazy how death can bring people together and push people further apart. I was able to see my grandparents who I cherish, but I realize that my father and I may never have what I always dreamed of. –RealityOfAPreachersDaughter 

“You’re dead to me”- #DrEricThomas

“You’re dead to me”- #DrEricThomas

I get it. “You’re dead to me” may seem harsh to some people, but to some of us, it’s the only way to be. Me and my father just can’t get along. I’ve tried over and over to make the relationship with him work, but he intentionally abuses that, and the fact that he’s a preacher. My aunt died last week and I had to talk to him for the first time in 2 years. It was awkward and disappointing. He doesn’t see anything he ever did and said we just need to let the past be the past and move on. Absolutely not! In order for us to have a relationship we will talk about what has happened, or I don’t see there ever being one. 

 Yes that may seem harsh, but if people knew what I’ve had to deal with when it came to him, then maybe they would understand. As for now, that relationship is dead to me. A person can only take so much heartbreak, abuse, lies and stabs. 

I’m not ready for RIP

I’m not ready for RIP

I’m not sure I can let my aunt go… I’m feeling like she wanted to be around a little longer. I’m feeling like she didn’t get a fair shot. I’m feeling like people gave up way too damn soon. I’m feeling like we shoulda played one more game of scrabble. I’m feeling like we shoulda went bowling one more time. I’m feeling like we shoulda had one more cookout. I’m feeling like I shoulda braided her hair one more time. 

I really can’t explain how I feel because I’m feeling every emotion. Like the umami of emotions in a negative way. 

I have a lot on my mind, and a lot more I could say, but I’d rather feel the breeze in my hair and the sun on my face than to be with family right now. It’s safer that way. -RealityOfAPreachersDaughter

But I cant… this is too much 

But I cant… this is too much 

I don’t want to be outsider, but I can’t help it. There’s only so much a person can take and I’m working within my limits whether anyone likes it or not. 

He’s been calling.

My family has arrived. I’m a little nervous about going around because I know my father has talked about me. Why do I care about what he’s said about me so damn much ?!?!

 My aunt’s not doing well at all. She’s on life support.  Its devistating. It was so unexpected. This would be the closest death I’ve ever experienced. They’re having meetings about pulling the plug. 

The first day we went up to the hospital and met the a couple family members up there. They’re the closest to her. I could tell they were trying to keep it together. She had several major complications while I sat in the waiting room with my cousin, brother and husband. After hours of waiting, I was finally able to see her, and I broke down. I couldn’t hold it. She’s was the closest aunt I’ve had. 

I told her I loved her and that she had a great neice waiting to meet her. Then I broke down again and left. 

That was Wednesday. Today is Friday. 

Yesterday I needed some air and had a friend come be with me for the day. She helped a lot. We went for Starbucks and Duck Donuts. Went to pick up one of my art pieces, went to the park to talk and used some of the workout equipment outside. That was fun. Was going to pick up snacks and made a detour to my favorite plant nursery. There’s something about a garden that can take your energy to a different place if you allow it. Then we got food and went to my house to watch 2 Broke Girls. 

My body is still going nuts and I’ve broken out in hives and my stomach is acting crazy, so I know I have to stay calm… my health is important too. -RealityOfAPreachersDaughter