WHY Won’t I Finish It

WHY Won’t I Finish It

I’ve been thinking about finishing this book waaaayyyy to much lately. It won’t go away. Out of nowhere, I’ll think about something that’s happened with all the details. Feeling those extreme emotions again. It makes me so damn emotional. When I get in my feelings, I function differently. I had to warn my husband that I started writing again so he will know what’s going on with me.

I’ve written some, but I’m scared to feel that vulnerable again. I feel like I have to steer clear of everyone when I start writing so I won’t make anyone uncomfortable, but maybe this time will be different.

I started writing this damn book in 2015, so it’s been 2 years about the amount of time that’s passed since I last spoke to him. There’s so much he doesn’t know about me. He doesn’t even  know who I am. This book would be the only way he would know more of who I really am, rather than the daughter he made up in his head. But that’s not the only reason.

Damnit this book!!!! Shit!!


Imperfectly Perfect

Imperfectly Perfect

“Imperfectly Perfect”

I’ve struggled over the years with Perfection. I couldn’t do it if it wasn’t planned out. I couldn’t show it if it had flaws. That’s why there are very few pics of me and even though I’ve been an artist for over 20 years, I never showed my work or considered myself an “artist”. I’ve never been good enough for myself. Only within the past 2 years have I been easing out of my shell I’ve been hiding in until I was “Perfect”.

I realized something when creating this lamp, because I wanted it “flawless”. No matter how hard you work at being perfect, you could never achieve Perfection in the way you think. You are perfect the way you are. That’s what makes us human and not robots.

The lamp has flaws and so do I, but we are still beautiful.

We are “Imperfectly Perfect”

December 2, 2016

Diss FunK Shun

Diss FunK Shun

Diss- Bout in tears. I see family members, second cousins, posting pics of my grandfather, cousins, aunts and other family members I’ve never met. Unless you’ve experienced it, you wouldn’t know how it is to feel like an outcast of your own. Same blood running through my veins. The same history. I don’t get people interested in getting to know “the granddaughter” of the man whose first born came into this world a few months after he got married.

Funk- It’s not my fault. I didn’t have anything to do with that! I just want to know my family. NO, I wasn’t raised in privilege. NO, I didn’t graduate from college. NO, I haven’t travelled the world. I don’t have an extremely successful business yet. BUT, I’m making it on my own. And I will be great on my OWN, because I don’t have a choice. I bought my first car, never ask anyone for anything. No one around me has anything I need anyway.

Shun- My own mother doesn’t even follow my facebook. She can’t see anything I post, why is she even my friend on there. Why am I a problem? What is it about me that people run away from? I really don’t get it and I don’t want to do anymore crying. I’ve cried my damn eyes out since I started writing  last year. (you will see why when you read my book).

I try not to care about what people think of me, but I can’t help it sometimes. This shit really hurts. I have the strangest feeling that when I make it, people will blow my phone up and try to break down my door to get to me then. It will be fake though. I’m a genuine person and that won’t be. I may cater to it for a little while to see what  it feels like being loved, appreciated and wanted.

I’ve been DISSed because of a FUNK that I didn’t have anything to do with… Now I’m completely shunned. DAMMNIT WHY??? What if you were in my shoes? How would you want to be treated. Even the woman I’ve lived for, supported, trusted, followed, respected, Loved unconditionally, and worked so hard to make something of myself to buy her whatever she wanted is avoiding me.

I must be some type of fucked up person to deserve this shit. I will never treat anyone like this. I vow to be MYSELF to Change the World. Someone wants me. I guess I just haven’t met them yet. I’m proud of myself. I’m a pretty strong ass person not to have given up already. I just keep pulling myself right along until my change comes, because its coming.

Would you be my friend?

Would you be my friend?

What no one knows is… they’d probably really want to get to know me lol. 

I feel like I’m a blessing to people’s lives, especially when they get to see the real me. I’m not your normal female or preacher’s daughter. I can be pretty fun, and I enjoy my own company. I have a great work ethic, love to laugh, passionate about what I believe in, and I’ve recently decided to stop hiding… Well outside of “Reality Of A Preacher’s Daughter”. 

I’m not afraid to try different foods.  I want to travel the world and take people with me. I’m careful about who I have in my circle. I’m analytical, but extremely creative and easy going. I love having small party’s. (It’s easier to control the atmosphere). I ❤️ coffee!!! And Starbucks  please. I try different coffee shops and the flavor just ain’t right… But I’ll keep trying.

I love supporting my family and friends to the point where I burnt myself out some time ago. Had to take a step back and focus on me. Never really had friends, maybe a couple. Mainly, just my mom and siblings. Sounds like a recipe for disaster right? A sheltered girl with a troubled childhood, no friends and all the things you’ll read about me in the book, all mixed up together. I’m surprised I’ve ended up the way I am. Hopeful, full of joy, fair, motivated… Everyone’s different. 

Now that I’ve given you some details…

It’s sad, but people’s resumes for friendship are on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, Snapchat and other social media platforms. 

Please don’t take this too seriously… Unless you want to 🤔

To Believe. Or Not

To Believe. Or Not

If you can believe beyond what you see… You can have anything. Our problem, well my problem is that I look around me. I look at issues, rejections, disappointments, relationships, needs, frustrations, etc, and hold myself back. I’ve been so much better than I was, but I have some growing to do. 

All the speakers I listen to talk about the same things. And one of the main things is seeing and believing for what you want, not for what you have or what you don’t want. That seems awkward at times, and people may think you’re nuts, but you’re not doing it for them. It’s for you!  I’ve been doing it a lot lately. People have unfollowed me on my FB and social media, but I could care less! I’m trying to make sure my life is in order and I’m the best me God Made. 

I don’t have all these desires just to wish upon a star and dream about. I can make it happen. All it takes is a lot of effort, a lot of time, a lot of hustle and grind, a lot of judgement, a lot of non supportive people, a lot of sweating, worrying and crying and you can make it happen!

Don’t expect handouts… You don’t want those. You want to earn every view, every purchase, every smile, every “thank you”, every follow, every comment, every subscription, every “like” and every “share” because you know they’re not feeling sorry for you. 
*not my photo, my husband sent this to me