Everyone has had a broken heart, I guess. It’s just worse when it’s the person you call father. The news I’ve been hearing lately about him has me very concerned (more like driving me nuts). I’ve tried time after time year after year, and he just makes . It’s like he just doesn’t care about his life anymore. There is nothing I could say to him because he would never listen anyway. So maybe, JUST MAYBE, when I finish this book, he will still have time to bounce back and turn his life completely around. Maybe I can save the father who could care less about me. #Prayforme
I’ve been crying for days. I wish he would just listen… It will never happen.
I’ve been messed up for years, but no one would really know. Covered it up quite good. I just wanted to have a relationship with my father that I never got. Since I was a little girl it was all about being tough, not being his little princess. I just wanted my daddy. The one who would hold my hand at the park, or tell me how proud he was of me. Tell me how beautiful I was, kiss my forehead and pray with me at bedtime. I cried a lot. I cried myself to sleep a lot. No one knew. I had to be the strong one for my siblings, for my mom. I had to be strong in front of my dad because when he saw a weakness he would irritate it, nag at it, scratch at it, until I fought back. It always ended badly.
As I grew up, I had to put on an armor. Changed my outward to look harder than I actually was. People who knew me when I was younger know how I use to dress. I was a tomboy. Boys clothes, worked out everyday, push ups, sit ups, running, boxing in the mirror. It kept the pain at ease and I had to make sure I was strong enough to fight my dad back.
I watched how he treated my brothers. One was the Favorite, the other was not. My mother and I would try to take up for him, but Dad was too overpowering. He never listened. It was always “his way”. His way was horrible. I prayed all the time that this would end. EVERYTHING WOULD END. It didn’t. It just got worse…
I’m giving my view of my life. I need to let all the pain and struggle go. No one knows what REALLY happened in my life, but there have been a lot of family and friends and Preachers that heard a one sided view. I was always quiet, watched and listened. Let people say whatever about my family and didn’t correct them because I was taught by my mom to keep the peace. The Israelites kept the peace and couldn’t enter the Promise Land for 40 years. When they finally decided to claim what was theirs, they took the land by force. NOTHING peaceful about that. (That’s how I see it)
Not everyone will understand why I’m putting my past under a microscope, and that’s ok, I’m not doing it for you, its for me. I have greatness inside of me that has been stuck for many years and I’ve never understood why until recently. I haven’t wanted to share my life because there are people around me that I don’t want to hurt. I was going to wait 20-30 years to write this, but what if I’m not here. What about the children who are going through the same things I went through and cant talk about it? What if those same children are suicidal like I was, can’t find love, peace or anything to help them continue forward? What about the women in abusive relationships and scared to leave? What about the people who are scared to take a chance on their dreams because all they know is living in the projects? What about the drug dealers who don’t see anything pass their present situation?
I AM NOT PERFECT NOR AM I CLAIMING TO BE. So you’re seeing the raw uncut version and how I’m turning, in “Real Time”, a pretty f’d up situation into something GREAT, SUCCESSFUL AND INSPIRING!!
- If you live in LALA Land and think that everything around you is great and you aren’t striving to do better or be better
- If you are only on here to hear a victory and not a battle
- If you Don’t want the REAL as in No Filter (meaning with cussing… Etc)
- If you are just on here to be nosy so you can go tell how evil of a person I am and I’m not who you thought I was
- If you are too “Holy” or “Religious” and think I’m going to Hell for this
- If you’re someone who thinks they know what I’ve gone through and wants to “correct” my stories
- Or if you want to tell me you don’t think I should be doing this… it makes me look bad… blah blah…
I would say “You can discontinue reading my blog”… which I know you won’t because you want to see what I’m going to say. I want EVERYONE to read my blog, because no matter what you’ve accomplished in life, you can always learn something and be better.
I’m not perfect, but I’m trying to be better…