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I’m not ready for RIP

I’m not ready for RIP

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I’m not sure I can let my aunt go… I’m feeling like she wanted to be around a little longer. I’m feeling like she didn’t get a fair shot. I’m feeling like people gave up way too damn soon. I’m feeling like we shoulda played one more game of scrabble. I’m feeling like we shoulda went bowling one more time. I’m feeling like we shoulda had one more cookout. I’m feeling like I shoulda braided her hair one more time. 

I really can’t explain how I feel because I’m feeling every emotion. Like the umami of emotions in a negative way. 

I have a lot on my mind, and a lot more I could say, but I’d rather feel the breeze in my hair and the sun on my face than to be with family right now. It’s safer that way. -RealityOfAPreachersDaughter

But I cant… this is too much 

But I cant… this is too much 

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I don’t want to be outsider, but I can’t help it. There’s only so much a person can take and I’m working within my limits whether anyone likes it or not. 

He’s been calling.

My family has arrived. I’m a little nervous about going around because I know my father has talked about me. Why do I care about what he’s said about me so damn much ?!?!

 My aunt’s not doing well at all. She’s on life support.  Its devistating. It was so unexpected. This would be the closest death I’ve ever experienced. They’re having meetings about pulling the plug. 

The first day we went up to the hospital and met the a couple family members up there. They’re the closest to her. I could tell they were trying to keep it together. She had several major complications while I sat in the waiting room with my cousin, brother and husband. After hours of waiting, I was finally able to see her, and I broke down. I couldn’t hold it. She’s was the closest aunt I’ve had. 

I told her I loved her and that she had a great neice waiting to meet her. Then I broke down again and left. 

That was Wednesday. Today is Friday. 

Yesterday I needed some air and had a friend come be with me for the day. She helped a lot. We went for Starbucks and Duck Donuts. Went to pick up one of my art pieces, went to the park to talk and used some of the workout equipment outside. That was fun. Was going to pick up snacks and made a detour to my favorite plant nursery. There’s something about a garden that can take your energy to a different place if you allow it. Then we got food and went to my house to watch 2 Broke Girls. 

My body is still going nuts and I’ve broken out in hives and my stomach is acting crazy, so I know I have to stay calm… my health is important too. -RealityOfAPreachersDaughter

Hustle more Struggle less

Hustle more Struggle less

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I’ve never wanted to see my mom or siblings struggle. My moms still struggling and I know I have the power to change her life. Yes she does too, but honestly, her focus isn’t on changing her life. It’s about “souls”. *sigh. It’s always been about souls. Sometimes I just want to have a mother-daughter talk.

My vision of life is so far past living paycheck to paycheck. Yes my vision and goals my seem outlandish to most, but it’s a good thing you don’t have to work toward it… I do. 

Not many know the struggle of this preacher’s daughter. The shit that I’ve gone through is nothing like you would think it would be. So that’s why I hustle harder and harder. -RealityOfAPreachersDaughter

Was having a good Morning until…

Was having a good Morning until…

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He called Got damnit. I don’t have the time, energy or patience to deal with his fuckery. I’ve tried to many times with him and I can’t right now. I don’t want to. He stresses me the fuck out. He’s not a father he’s a leach that sucks you dry from life until you can’t even function. 

I haven’t listened to the voicemail yet. I don’t even know how the fuck he got my damn number. My siblings said they didn’t give it to him.  Who the hell did???? Nobody has my number! 

This is some bullshit. I better write and create some art before I let this consume me today. Look ignorant ass people… don’t give out people’s numbers without their consent got damnit! -RealityOfAPreachersDaughter

I apologize in advance

I apologize in advance

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I’ve heard that people are utterly disgusted by people blowing their nose, and I can understand that.😐

But damnit, it’s allergy season, So I apologize in advance for all the nose blowing I’ll be doing for the next few weeks. I’d rather you hear my blowing my nose than watching snot run down my face! 🤧🤧🤧#notreallysorry #RealityOfAPreachersDaughter

Lost My Religion

Lost My Religion

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What is Christianity? Where did it come from? How many wealthy people consider themselves a Christian? How many Christians are wealthy?How many Christians are miserable? How many Christians are Happy? How many Christians are Black? How many Christians are White? How many Christians are “other”? Who started Christianity?

Maybe not all of those questions are relevant, but maybe they are. From a child I was taught, but growing up I taught myself. Know who you are and what you’re doing. With that being said, I lost my religion a long time ago. I said I was not a Christian, I follow God. In some people’s eyes, that makes me a horrible person, a blasphemer. Well I’ve said worse… -RealityOfAPreachersDaughter

I Don’t Want This Life

I Don’t Want This Life

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You ever think about how you know your life should be. Everyone seems to be content with their day to day struggle and do nothing about it. Living with no purpose. Just a slave to your own existence. 

It takes a thought. A simple decision can rewrite your story. It can take you to another direction. Your life doesn’t have to be all about drama and bullshit. You should be enjoying everyday because you’re doing what you love. Figure out how and do it. 

The life I’ve experienced has brought me to a place where change is necessary for me. I talk so much shit to myself.                               “What the fuck is wrong with you?” “Why won’t you try?” “What are you afraid of?” 

After asking myself a lot of questions and answering them, I realize I have a lot of issues. LOL. But everyone does!!!! So I need to stop making excuses about why I’m not good enough for this and that and DO THE DAMN SHIT!

My dad and mom were preachers, they still are, but we still didn’t have shit. I refuse to become my parents and keep myself from all the happiness I can have. I don’t want their lives. I have to make the decisions they didn’t make to have the life they didn’t have.   

 –RealityOfAPreachersDaughter

The Story Is Mine 

The Story Is Mine 

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Everyone has a story. When that person transitions to another life, that story sometimes dies. Sometimes other people tell that story… which is why I’m determined to tell my own story. The most of my thoughts are unknown unless I choose to tell them. My “WHY” for doing what I do is only known if I let it be.

So instead of having someone else tell my story when I die, or while I’m alive, I choose to tell it myself. 

I’ve been watching documentaries lately, and many of them were done after the person moved on. Sometimes I think about the genius thoughts they kept to themselves. The personal struggles that no one knew of. There’s always more. –RealityOfAPreachersDaughter