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Wish it wasn’t you (Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt #spoileralert)

Wish it wasn’t you (Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt #spoileralert)

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Sometimes I wish it wasn’t you that I talk about in my writings. I want to feel sorry for you sometimes and other times… I just don’t care. So I wrestle with myself about finishing this book. I’m not even sure you would read it. But I want you to understand me better. Why do I care? I guess this is my last hope of getting through to you, but then I think, I can’t change anyone… you have to want to change.

What’s the point of putting the book out if you’re not going to read it. Episode 13 of season 3 Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, Kimmy realized she didn’t have to tell her story if she didn’t want to. Talking to the philosophy professor he basically tells her to do what makes her happy.  She didn’t need to feel like she needed to save the world. She just needed to do what was best for her… -RealityOfAPreachersDaughter

She’s there… the improved old me

She’s there… the improved old me

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When I look, I can see her. She’s there. I can see through myself to the person who I use to know. The person I was proud of. The person other people wanted to know. If I look hard enough I can see her. But if I don’t look hard, I see who she’s become. The complacent, overweight, scared and scarred girl who’s having problems becoming a woman is what’s outside. It’s troubling. Hopefully temporary. I can’t stay like this forever. I crave success. I can see it, feel it, taste it, hear it, smell it. What the fuck am I missing to get it. I need to get who I was back, but better. –RealityOfAPreachersDaughter

Go in the trash damnit!

Go in the trash damnit!

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Like I’m tossing some shit in the trash can and miss, pick it up, miss, pick it up again, miss. SHIT!!! I feel like I’m aiming right but I’m going around, over, or coming short of the goal.  

All I want to do is fucking throw it away.

Throw away all the fuckery that keeps me down, holds me back, makes me sick, breaks me out, makes me depressed, has me overwhelmed and stressed the fuck out. -RealityOfAPreachersDaughter

Dear Life

Dear Life

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Dear Life,I thought you’d be more kind, more loving, more giving. I’ve given my health, my money, my energy, my smiles, my comfort, my time, my creativity. I’ve tried to give you the best part of me, but that got me here, at a crossroad. 

 I think I’ve been here before. Maybe I’ve been here for years and never left. Maybe when I got here I set up camp and chose to stay. Afraid of choosing the left or right. The red or blue. Both so extreme. Both so different. Both me. One safe and predictable. The other risky and unforeseeable, but intriguing. 

I’ve already chosen. I chose my destiny a long time ago. Even when my parents drilled their ideals, I’ve always had my own. 

So Life, now that you’ve awakened the dragon inside and I realized the shit I’m go through is just part of the ride, let’s do this shit. -RealityOfAPreachersDaughter

He’s the Eulogist 

He’s the Eulogist 

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The funeral starts at eleven. He’s the eulogist. I hope he doesn’t start crying because it probably won’t be real. I feel like he should’ve left this alone. Let someone else do it. Maybe I’m wrong. I’m probably right. 

My dad was close to my aunt I guess, but there were others that were closer. They are family and they weren’t even acknowledged. That makes me mad. He always has to make a scene. He’s selfish and manipulative even now. 

It’s crazy how death can bring people together and push people further apart. I was able to see my grandparents who I cherish, but I realize that my father and I may never have what I always dreamed of. –RealityOfAPreachersDaughter 

What do you really want

What do you really want

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I haven’t had this issue in a while. I usually have it when I’m stressed. It takes a lot out of me. It makes me weak. It’s scary. I don’t always tell my husband. I don’t want it to keep me from having kids. I don’t want to go to the doctor. I just want it to go away and never return.

This is why I stay away from people and their drama. I don’t handle it well. 

This is why I stay away from him. My father. It makes me crazy. 

This is why I do art, music, dance… it takes my mind away from the crazy shit in my life. 

I don’t want to die. –RealityOfAPreachersDaughter

Why would I almost cry

Why would I almost cry

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I never think about my early childhood. 3,4,5. Those were the years I remember bits and pieces.  My brothers Godsister tagged me in a video of a little girl counting. It was too adorable. She told me  this little girl reminded her of when I was little. She said I was cute ☺️. I was almost in tears. Why?

I rarely, if ever, hear about when I was little. I didn’t grow up with family or friends so no one was there to see me. Only my mom. 

For someone to remember when I was little and tell me I had a “Minnie Mouse” voice and her and her sister always wanted to play with me and pick me up… I almost teared up…

Is that sad? -RealityOfAPreachersDaughter