Tag: wordpress

Holdin on for dear damn life…

Holdin on for dear damn life…

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That’s what I do. I hold on, and it holds me back. I hold on to shit that doesn’t even matter anymore. Real insignificant shit. It’s sad. It’s embarrassing. And I’m not the only one. 

My reasoning for holding on is something I need to let go of. It will be a step in the right direction, but it’s scary. Why? When I let it go, will I forget? Will someone forget they don’t matter? Will that be my only chance to have “that thing”? Will that mean I’m giving up ok that dream? What if the special opportunity comes and I don’t have this… 

Damn this is sad… –RealityOfAPreachersDaughter

Old Baptist Church

Old Baptist Church

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When I was a little girl, I remember going to an old baptist church. I’m sure it’s still there. I can still hear the songs, I can feel the rumble from stomping feet, I can smell the scent of the old pews, I can see the large narrow stain glass windows and pulpit where my dad sometimes stood. I can taste the communion crackers and the strong wine that left a burning sensation in my chest at 4 years old. I knew when the church ladies were cooking downstairs because you could smell the fried chicken coming through the basement up the stairs into the sanctuary. 

I don’t remember whether I was excited for the food or not because my mom cooked just like that at home and everyone loved my mom’s cooking.

 I just remember when there was no food being cooked downstairs and my father would have me and my mom waiting. My little brother didn’t count. He was too little. We seemed to always be one of the last people leaving, but the Reverend didn’t care. 

Silence is not golden

Silence is not golden

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Yep you’ve heard that silence is golden. No it’s not. Too many times I’ve seen people keep their mouth shut and what happened. Not a Damn Thing. So why the hell do we talk about silence is golden. 

I could keep my mouth shut about my life and deal with it internally and regret not expressing my feelings earlier. Some of us handle things differently than others. Accept it. 

It’s been 2 years since I started this blog and have yet to finish the book because of the potential consequences. But everything has consequences. You just need to figure out which consequences you want to deal with.       -RealityOfAPreachersDaughter

Watching myself go down

Watching myself go down

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What I hate the most about writing is the temporary depression paired with I can’t fuckin think straight. Now all I can think about is my past. The fights, the struggles, the religion… growing up too fast. 

I have to use my iPhone because my laptop has gone stupid and I need to write when I think about it. I can’t let this stuff stay in. I can’t let it eat away at me until  I die or he dies. 

Since my father is a reader, at least he use to be, maybe he can digest a book by his daughter better thab listening because he NEVER LISTENED!!!! 

It sucks when you have something to say and you never get heard. That’s one of the reasons I write and draw. You can’t be interrupted. -RealityOfAPreachersDaughter

Bad Attention

Bad Attention

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I wanted attention from him, but the kind I got wasn’t what I wanted. I needed him to be my father. To love me like he loved the other little pretty girls. 

I wondered why he didn’t care for me very much. Was it because I didn’t look like him? Was it because I was a girl? Was it because he resented my mother?  Was it because he thought I wasn’t his daughter?

I don’t know, but I could never allow my children to be treated like he treated us. Maybe that’s why I still don’t have any. –RealityOfAPreachersDaughter

WHY Won’t I Finish It

WHY Won’t I Finish It

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I’ve been thinking about finishing this book waaaayyyy to much lately. It won’t go away. Out of nowhere, I’ll think about something that’s happened with all the details. Feeling those extreme emotions again. It makes me so damn emotional. When I get in my feelings, I function differently. I had to warn my husband that I started writing again so he will know what’s going on with me.

I’ve written some, but I’m scared to feel that vulnerable again. I feel like I have to steer clear of everyone when I start writing so I won’t make anyone uncomfortable, but maybe this time will be different.

I started writing this damn book in 2015, so it’s been 2 years about the amount of time that’s passed since I last spoke to him. There’s so much he doesn’t know about me. He doesn’t even  know who I am. This book would be the only way he would know more of who I really am, rather than the daughter he made up in his head. But that’s not the only reason.

Damnit this book!!!! Shit!!

-RealityOfAPreachersDaughter

Dumb Ass Decisions

Dumb Ass Decisions

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I use to think I needed a psychiatrist to figure out why everyone around me made such dumb ass decisions. I didn’t understand everyone’s thinking and it had me almost going nuts. 

I backed off and realized that everyone’s shit wasn’t my shit. I needed to mind my own got damn business! Why? Because even though I really wanted the best for my family, I wasn’t giving my best to myself. I literally did everything for them. I was the savior of the family and everybody knew it. 

I’m so glad I sat my ass down and reevaluated the situation. Now I’m on the Road To Recovery lol

Lesson- Everyone makes their own mistakes and has to figure their own shit out.                     –RealityOfAPreachersDaughter

B.O.N. ?

B.O.N. ?

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Sometimes it’s hard as shit to write, but I know it’s what I have to do. Not only for myself, but for other people who are stuck in a life they despise. It’s hard to face the truth about yourself and share it with the world, or in my case, the couple people who follow my ass. 

Over all, In the past 8 years, I let myself go. I completely lost who I was and became who I felt others would be comfortable with. I’d rather be that neutral, “she’s nice” girl than the one that’s most loved/most hated. 

But even being the “nice and neutral” girl, people still don’t like my ass and I’m miserable. There’s other people out there too hiding so they can fit in too. 

When I was a kid, I didn’t fit in and didn’t give a damn. Something happened in my life that changed everything. Made me become a hermit and boring. What was it?  -RealityOfAPreachersDaughter

Hell or nah?

Hell or nah?

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My mom told me if I wasn’t saved I would be left behind. I asked what I was being saved from, and she told me hell. I asked what about all the people who’ve never heard of “Christ”, and she told me everyone has an opportunity to accept Jesus as their savior.

I feel that religion has our minds stuck making people feel like they’re better than others. 

Being left behind when the “Rapture” comes can scare the shit out of any child and adult. The story is, after the rapture there will be a time of peace, then chaos. People will have the opportunity to take the “mark of the beast” which will help them with food and money. If you don’t get it, you can be tortured and beheaded… there’s more to the story, but I’ll stop there. 

If people tell you this, you can scare people into controlling them, right? – ROAPD