Suicidal?

Suicidal?

Suicide. It’s something I’ve thought about in the past. No one knew. I keep a smile. I stay strong for everyone. I let everyone see the strong girl who’s been though hell. I’ve kept what I’ve been though to myself. Why should I say anything? Who cares? I see how the world works. I see how there are more takers than givers. People act like they are slow sometimes and purposely overlook the obvious.

Sitting here asking God to please help me not to cry.

Am I this horrible of a person? Why don’t I get any support? Does anyone think about me? Does my mom think about me? Does my dad?  Yeah Right

Too late… Crying at work..

It can only get better right?

Diss FunK Shun

Diss FunK Shun

Diss- Bout in tears. I see family members, second cousins, posting pics of my grandfather, cousins, aunts and other family members I’ve never met. Unless you’ve experienced it, you wouldn’t know how it is to feel like an outcast of your own. Same blood running through my veins. The same history. I don’t get people interested in getting to know “the granddaughter” of the man whose first born came into this world a few months after he got married.

Funk- It’s not my fault. I didn’t have anything to do with that! I just want to know my family. NO, I wasn’t raised in privilege. NO, I didn’t graduate from college. NO, I haven’t travelled the world. I don’t have an extremely successful business yet. BUT, I’m making it on my own. And I will be great on my OWN, because I don’t have a choice. I bought my first car, never ask anyone for anything. No one around me has anything I need anyway.

Shun- My own mother doesn’t even follow my facebook. She can’t see anything I post, why is she even my friend on there. Why am I a problem? What is it about me that people run away from? I really don’t get it and I don’t want to do anymore crying. I’ve cried my damn eyes out since I started writing  last year. (you will see why when you read my book).

I try not to care about what people think of me, but I can’t help it sometimes. This shit really hurts. I have the strangest feeling that when I make it, people will blow my phone up and try to break down my door to get to me then. It will be fake though. I’m a genuine person and that won’t be. I may cater to it for a little while to see what  it feels like being loved, appreciated and wanted.

I’ve been DISSed because of a FUNK that I didn’t have anything to do with… Now I’m completely shunned. DAMMNIT WHY??? What if you were in my shoes? How would you want to be treated. Even the woman I’ve lived for, supported, trusted, followed, respected, Loved unconditionally, and worked so hard to make something of myself to buy her whatever she wanted is avoiding me.

I must be some type of fucked up person to deserve this shit. I will never treat anyone like this. I vow to be MYSELF to Change the World. Someone wants me. I guess I just haven’t met them yet. I’m proud of myself. I’m a pretty strong ass person not to have given up already. I just keep pulling myself right along until my change comes, because its coming.

Working on the book…

Working on the book…

Nothing about writing my life is easy. It’s been complicated for as long as I can remember.

Last year I decided to take charge of my life.  I couldn’t take the constant struggle of dealing with family EVERYDAY. I have enough to deal with by myself, I don’t need added frustration.

Before you can help someone else, YOU HAVE TO HELP YOURSELF. It’s not selfish, it’s how to achieve a successful life. -Reality of a Preacher’s Daughter

We consume our lives with stress that’s not even our own. We can’t control everyone else’s lives and the decisions that they make. That is something I’ve taken responsibility for most of my life, other people’s lives. I felt that I could save the world, looking at families choices and saying that’s not a good idea. It’s difficult when you can see potential in the person and they do something else stupid… You want to cuss them out and say that was “dumb as hell”. I’ve had enough of that. I’m tired of giving advice and people do the opposite and want me to bail them out.

LEAVE ME ALONE

I have never had people concerned about my wellbeing. Are you ok? Do you need anything? You’re not feeling good, Let me bring you some soup. It’s always only been about everyone else.  You will find out more in the book.

I’m editing my own book, so I can tell you right now, there will be grammatical errors, cussing, and a lot of things you wouldn’t think would be in a book called “Reality Of A Preacher’s Daughter”… but it is what it is.  It’s my life and my life wasn’t sugar coated, so I’m not sugar coating what I write.

My book will be done before the summer. Flaws and all…

I have to finish this book!!!!

I have to finish this book!!!!

Everyone has had a broken heart, I guess. It’s just worse when it’s the person you call father. The news I’ve been hearing lately about him has me very concerned (more like driving me nuts). I’ve tried time after time year after year, and he just makes . It’s like he just doesn’t care about his life anymore. There is nothing I could say to him because he would never listen anyway. So maybe, JUST MAYBE, when I finish this book, he will still have time to bounce back and turn his life completely around. Maybe I can save the father who could care less about me. #Prayforme

-Preacher’s Daughter

And the tears begin to flow…

And the tears begin to flow…

I’ve been crying for days. I wish he would just listen… It will never happen.

I’ve been messed up for years, but no one would really know. Covered it up quite good. I just wanted to have a relationship with my father that I never got. Since I was a little girl it was all about being tough, not being his little princess. I just wanted my daddy. The one who would hold my hand at the park, or tell me how proud he was of me. Tell me how beautiful I was, kiss my forehead and pray with me at bedtime. I cried a lot. I cried myself to sleep a lot. No one knew. I had to be the strong one for my siblings, for my mom. I had to be strong in front of my dad because when he saw a weakness he would irritate it, nag at it, scratch at it, until I fought back. It always ended badly.

As I grew up, I had to put on an armor. Changed my outward to look harder than I actually was. People who knew me when I was younger know how I use to dress. I was a tomboy. Boys clothes, worked out everyday, push ups, sit ups, running, boxing in the mirror. It kept the pain at ease and I had to make sure I was strong enough to fight my dad back.

I watched how he treated my brothers. One was the Favorite, the other was not. My mother and I would try to take up for him, but Dad was too overpowering. He never listened. It was always “his way”. His way was horrible. I prayed all the time that this would end. EVERYTHING WOULD END. It didn’t. It just got worse…

Reality of a Preachers Daughter

Reality of a Preachers Daughter

I’m giving my view of my life. I need to let all the pain and struggle go. No one knows what REALLY happened in my life, but there have been a lot of family and friends and Preachers that heard a one sided view. I was always quiet, watched and listened. Let people say whatever about my family and didn’t correct them because I was taught by my mom to keep the peace. The Israelites kept the peace and couldn’t enter the Promise Land for 40 years. When they finally decided to claim what was theirs, they took the land by force. NOTHING peaceful about that. (That’s how I see it)

 Not everyone will understand why I’m putting my past under a microscope, and that’s ok, I’m not doing it for you, its for me. I have greatness inside of me that has been stuck for many years and I’ve never understood why until recently. I haven’t wanted to share my life because there are people around me that I don’t want to hurt. I was going to wait 20-30 years to write this, but what if I’m not here. What about the children who are going through the same things I went through and cant talk about it? What if those same children are suicidal like I was, can’t find love, peace or anything to help them continue forward? What about the women in abusive relationships and scared to leave? What about the people who are scared to take a chance on their dreams because all they know is living in the projects? What about the drug dealers who don’t see anything pass their present situation?

I AM NOT PERFECT NOR AM I CLAIMING TO BE. So you’re seeing the raw uncut version and how I’m turning, in “Real Time”, a pretty f’d up situation into something GREAT, SUCCESSFUL AND INSPIRING!!

**** DISCLAIMER****

  • If you live in LALA Land and think that everything around you is great and you aren’t striving to do better or be better
  • If you are only on here to hear a victory and not a battle
  • If you Don’t want the REAL as in No Filter (meaning with cussing… Etc)
  • If you are just on here to be nosy so you can go tell how evil of a person I am and I’m not who you thought I was
  • If you are too “Holy” or “Religious”  and think I’m going to Hell for this
  • If you’re someone who thinks they know what I’ve gone through and wants to “correct” my stories
  • Or if you want to tell me you don’t think I should be doing this… it makes me look bad… blah blah…

I would say “You can discontinue reading my blog”… which I know you won’t because you want to see what I’m going to say. I want EVERYONE to read my blog, because no matter what you’ve accomplished in life, you can always learn something and be better.

I’m not perfect, but I’m trying to be better…